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Ihatelying (original poster member #82420) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023
Is there any book out there that explains to the cheater what the betrayed goes through and all the emotions and pain?l/how it feels??
Bc unless it’s happened to the cheater, they can only "imagine" what it’s like….they can’t actually fathom the pain and stuff we go through.
It’s like having a baby….they know it hurts, but they have NO idea.
Anyway…..is there a book u know about that helps them see the devastation that cheating cause and makes the person feel?
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:23 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023
First I want to say the book I'm about to recommend is not R friendly but gives a good account to what a BS goes through and their feelings after an A. It is called Cheating in a Nutshell.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
BOAZ367 ( member #82836) posted at 5:43 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023
Regarding recommendation made in the first post, I too have heard it is not friendly toward reconciliation.
My suggestion is "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. The first four chapters identify types of affairs, then the discovery followed by the trauma and its effects. Next chapters offer hope and and how to handle this new dynamic in the marraige. It goes on how to heal and offers guidance to reconciliation.
In my opinion it is must read for both the betrayed and wayward spouse regardless of gender or orientation.
Just a little background on my wife a I. My d-day was over 30 years ago. My wife had an affair with her boss. I was devastated, we stayed together had kids and now beautiful grand kids. In hind sight I can't say we reconciled, we coexist make a good team, have many good memories, but rug swept everything. No one else knows of the cheating. A recent revalation of a family member being cheated on, awoke the old trauma, Like it happened yesterday. I found SI and other blogs, podcast and Not Just Friends. It's been 30 years and just recently I realize I'm not an over sensitive weirdo. I am normal, but held in a lit of pain for too long. Get this book and an Individual counselor preferably trained in the Gottman methods. I wish the best for you and your spouse.
yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 6:15 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023
How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda J MacDonald.
There are a few books with that title, but this one by this author specifically is exceptional. It’s a really quick read too. Highly recommend.
Me: BW 54, WH 57
LTA, AP 20 yrs younger.
Married 35 yrs, together for 38
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018 Attempting Reconciliation….still.
~where there is deep grief, there was great love.
lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 7:05 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023
I second the recommendation of "Cheating in a Nutshell" book by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell.
The other books mentioned do not go into the depth of detail of the hurt caused by the emotions of disgust, anger, suspicion, trauma, and the other emotions that Cheating in a Nutshell does. The authors go deeply into the biological origins of these emotions, and how these emotions were created to protect the betrayed spouses from further pain.
Some people here do not like this book because it is not pro-reconciliation. I like it because it is realistic from what I have seen in my experiences with the subject of infidelity. It is always good to examine a subject from all sides, IMO, with an open mind.
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